I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
