Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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