god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
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He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
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my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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