i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
