god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
