I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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