Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
