I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
