I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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