i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I checked into jail on foursquare
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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