Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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