you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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