omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
