i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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