Someone shit on the floor
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
