you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
