just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
