I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I love you. Go after that dick
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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