with your own penis?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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