Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
