i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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