I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
