I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
