Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
