So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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