farters have to be the big spoon...
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize