I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
