I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
