Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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