all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
