People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
