I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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