Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
