the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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