You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
