God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
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All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
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I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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