last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
