She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
