There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
