I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
