What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
