I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
