I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Randomize
