Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
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you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
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I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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