OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I am midnight drunk by noon
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I don't deserve a penis
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear