I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
