I got chris browned last night
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
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she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
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Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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