We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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