she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Come camping we have xanax and steaks