Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.