I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
