Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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