my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
