I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
