My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
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