Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
