Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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