I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
